I don’t care what those fancy schmancy minority of mothers who look spectacular and act all … you know …. calm and non-bonkers ‘n stuff say. I’m here to tell you that there will be chaos.
You will one day accidentally were no shoes to playgroup. You will one day wear your pyjama pants to the doctors because that’s all you have that doesn’t reek. You will one day take one kid to kindy with mismatching socks, a rainbow striped shirt and tie-dyed shorts that your mother made for him and an infant in the same jumpsuit he’s been wearing for three days. You will make 5 trips back to the house before you get on your way, every, single trip. You will accidentally disembark your toddler from the shopping trolley upside down while simultaneously catching the eggs he threw out. You will wear your daggy old shirt to the chemist to grab some children’s panadol only to realise after being served by the hot pharmacist that the shirt is so old it’s developed a hole at nipple level. You will lose things, all the time, like every minute of everyday. You will also turn in circles on the spot trying to find that thing you’ve lost only to be either interrupted half way around your circle or to find on full rotation that you’ve forgotten what you were doing so you walk to the other end of the house and remember but by the time you get back you’ve forgotten again. You will put cereal in the fridge and milk in the cupboard. You will accidentally put salt in your coffee instead of sugar but drink it anyway.
Aaaaaand, as I am currently doing, you will do nothing except watch as your toddler places a stool on a chair so that he can easily survey the top of his toy bookcase so that he might one by one pluck each toy, inspect it’s ability to meet his needs right now, and discard it on the floor if it doesn’t.
To prove me right. This is my day today. There are no untruths here. Woken at 4am. Attempt to resettle infant for two hours. Wake. Attempt to give infant reflux medicine. Spill it on floor … twice. Wear yoghurt stained singlet that has ‘worn too often see trough patches’ all over it to take toddler to kindy. Break last remaining thong on way out of kindy, walk out carrying infant and reem of kindy notices for fundraising in one flipping thong. Arrive home to find neighbour returning dog who has escaped and was dodging traffic. Return dog. Take infant for a walk in pram with the intent of him sleeping. Infant doesn’t sleep. Return home. Infant sleeps for a millisecond in cot but then wakes overtired and wants to sleep on me only. While infant sleeps on me, cat catches a mouse from under fridge. Watch cat masticate mouse on my floor. Infant sleeps on me for 3 hours. Infant wakes, I put washing on, make dinner in slow cooker, clean up mouse blood. Grate half finger off trying to shred vegetables to a size that no-one will detect on their spaghetti. Infant is now tired again due to missing morning sleep. Infant insists on being carried. Noting it is time for kindy collection and that I have not eaten, I eat half a block of cream cheese washed down with water and milo (half of which I spill on infants head) then grab everything to run out the door. Step in spued up half digested mouse. Swear profusely and dry reach a little. Holding infant I squirt disinfectant on my foot while in shower and put a bowl over mouse carcass (I don’t know why). Now running late for kindy pick up. Wear two left footed different coloured things, because that’s all I have.
Infant falls asleep in car, but wakes as soon as engine turned off to collect toddler. Get toddler home. Infant insanely overtired will only be held, so I get baths ready carrying infant who is screaming ‘you are an evil mother, here, let me suck on your shoulder’ while toddler sets about being a snake and slithering all around the house. Collect kindling and make fire (yes still carrying infant). Clean up mouse carcass and say a little mouse prayer. Feed and put infant to bed. Read books to toddler until father arrives, give him a look that says ‘you owe me man’. Finally go to toilet for first time today and look forward to a next round of chaos tomorrow.
But they won’t get me. Oh no they won’t.